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Welcome back to Thank God It’s Monday!
tl;dr All of our problems are interpersonal. Our fears, concerns, and goals are all in relation to other people. If you were to remove the impact on others, how would you live differently?
I am currently reading “The Courage to Be Disliked,” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. It’s a topic that appeals to the masses, especially people-pleasers, because it is of human nature to fit in with the tribe, and sometimes we do things (or refrain from doing things) in order to do so. This book offers a discussion about why we act in the way we do and how to deviate from the masses.
Humans are social creatures. Our instinct is to be a part of a tribe because, at one time, it determined our ability to survive. Even today, being in a community affects our health and longevity. No wonder we do things fit in; it can feel as though our livelihood is threatened if we don’t.
As a result, the authors offer that the root of our problems is all interpersonal. Why don’t we take a risk to leave a dead-end job? Interpersonal. Why don’t we leave abusive relationships? Interpersonal. Why do we make bad choices for our health? Interpersonal. Everything can be traced back to how we relate to other people.
Take, for example, why some people stay in jobs that they hate and are leading nowhere. From an outside perspective, it’s easy to see they should be submitting their resumes and going on interviews to open up their opportunities for getting out. They can start positioning themselves to be financially supported and exit with a game plan to exit a job they complain about every single day. But they don’t. Why?
You guessed it: interpersonal problems.
The nerves build up around disappointing coworkers and bosses. There could even be fear of what family members or significant others might think if they left their current position. Their reputation for being the workplace’s favorite comedic relief or most reliable holiday-party planner could be tarnished forever. And while it sounds insignificant from a bystander’s perspective, to that person, it can feel totally overwhelming physically and mentally (manifesting as anxiety, poor sleep, and elevated resting heart rate).
Another example is the person who is overweight and keeps saying they want to get their health in order. How could this possibly be a representation of interpersonal problems?
Consider their spouse, who is also likely overweight. They have a routine of going out to dinner and drinks every Friday night or maybe snacks during their nightly Netflix episode viewing. The person might feel guilty or judged by their spouse, suggesting that they disrupt this routine in order to prioritize their health. Or maybe when they go over to their parents’ for dinner on Sundays, their parents interrogate them about why they’re using a food scale or tracking their food on their phones.
If they didn’t have to worry about what others might think, then they wouldn’t have to worry about the embarrassment or guilt they might feel changing the person who others already accept them as. There would be no embarrassment if it weren’t in the context of other people (hence, all forms of embarrassment are interpersonal problems).
So what can we do about it?
While embarrassment or guilt or perceived shame feels like a physical threat, we know most likely we will not come into any physical harm. Rather, it is the anticipation of what others may think that encourages or discourages certain behaviors. So it is vital to remember and act on these three truths:
1. Nobody is paying attention: Realistically, most people are not paying attention to what it is we’re doing. For example, in the gym, we’re so concerned about trying a new exercise because we might look stupid. But everyone is so focused on themselves that no one will even notice.
2. Nobody cares: Even if people are paying attention, nobody actually cares what you look like trying that new exercise or quitting that dead-end job. Our lives mostly revolve around our own experiences, so the seismic effect you think your actions will have on others is nothing but an undetectable ripple.
3. We’re going to die anyway: Even if someone is paying attention, and in the off chance they do care terribly about nothing that concerns them, we’re all heading to the same place in the end, so do it anyway. I don’t want to get to my deathbed and regret doing or not doing something because of what others might have thought, and I bet you feel the same way. So whenever you’re feeling threatened by the social masses, remember death is coming for us all, so live accordingly.
While we will never be able to fully escape the “threat” of fitting in with the community, we can keep these three tips in mind in order not to let it affect the way we live our lives. Of course, this comes with the nuance that we should not do anything to put others in harm’s way or to intentionally (emotionally, physically, mentally) hurt others. But independent of that, life is too short to curb our potential because of what others may think.
If you found some value in this, please share it with a friend you think would enjoy it! And let me know if you’d like to be added to get TGIM.
This week, my podcast recommendation is new from Michael Smoaks, The HigherUp Podcast, “#58: How to Shift Your Identity and Get ‘Unstuck’ with Nick Komodina.”
With that, what is something you can change today to implement these three tips?
Until next time,
Shannon
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